Funniest Skyrim Quotes

Summary

• Skyrim’s humor stems from repeated NPC lines like guards mocking dragons and stolen sweetrolls.
• Guards in Skyrim make witty, sarcastic comments about the Dragonborn’s equipment and actions.
• The game features hilarious quotes from NPCs, adding to its lasting popularity and meme culture.

It might be hard to believe, but The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim is over a decade old. Even so, it remains as popular today and has generated its own meme culture and humor among the player community.

Much of the hilarity in Skyrim stems from how the game was made. Non-player characters (NPCs) tend to repeat some iconic lines of dialogue, which, in combination with certain situations, is pure comedy gold only players of Skyrim or previous The Elder Scrolls games will understand. So, if you’ve forgotten how much of a gutbuster Bethesda’s game was, here are some hilarious quotes from NPCs.

Updated January 9, 2025 by Britt Poteet: Despite being an older game, Skyrim remains popular. As we move into a new year, we’ve added a couple more funny quotes to this list to keep the article relevant and up-to-date.

22

“Another Wanderer, Here To Lick My Father’s Boots. Good Job.”

• From: Nelkir from Whiterun

What is this little runt’s problem? It’s not like you wanted to be in Whiterun in the first place. For the record, you’re also not Jarl Balrguuf’s bootlicker, no matter how fine his banquets and bearskin rugs are in the cold of the winter. Nelkir is Jarl Balgruuf’s son, and we can only hope he turns out like his father.

Because, as he is right now in Skyrim, he’s on his way to becoming a spoiled and bratty monarch. Also, he’s probably one of the reasons why Skyrim didn’t allow children to be killed (apart from age rating). Nelkir talks a lot of smack for someone in Fus Ro Dah distance. The developers likely thought many players would try to punish this kid.

21

“Dragonborn, Huh? Was It Your Ma Or Your Pa That Was The Dragon?”

• From: Guards and mercenaries

Guards never fail to amuse in Skyrim; this line above is just another one of their inadvertently witty quips. It’s also a testament to how some of the Nords don’t take the whole Dragonborn prophecy seriously. But how could they? It seems like Alduin randomly chose you in the middle of the beheading and made you Dragonborn.

Also, it seems no one apart from the Greybeards knows how Dragonborn are created. So now there’s this weird rumor going around that Dragonborn exists because some guy or gal had the hots for a giant fire-breathing giant lizard.

20

“Either I’m Drunk, Or You’re Naked. Possibly Both.”

• From: Bystanders if you’re naked— or if they’re drunk. Possibly both.

One of the finest attention-to-detail triggers added to Skyrim is how NPCs will always make some side comments regarding your stature. This one’s easy to draw out of NPCs; all you have to do is strip all your clothes down to the underwear.

These comments usually happen in a tavern or bar where almost everyone is inundated with the finest Nord mead. It also goes to show just how much alcohol the people of Skyrim consume on a daily basis. Plenty of them drink themselves to the point where everyone they see is naked. Or maybe you’re really just naked.

19

“My Cousins Out Fighting Dragons, And What Do I Get? Guard Duty.”

You have to wonder what goes on in a city guard’s day-to-day life. Some of them are so bored out of their wits that they crave action and dragon fights. Hence, that Skyrim quote above is one of the common complaints you’ll hear from inactive guards.

The funny thing is, with Skyrim being as buggy and glitchy as it is even now, guards will still blurt this out even if they just fought a dragon five minutes ago. But in their defense, you probably absorbed the dragon, so there’s not much evidence of their achievement.

18

“Skyrim Is Now Host To Giant, Flying Lizards And Two-Legged Cat-men, And You’re Surprised By Me? Yes. I Just Talked. And Am Continuing To Do So.”

While traversing around Skyrim, you may encounter a dog searching for his master. Unexpectedly, the dog speaks English. When you are startled at this realization, he reacts with great offense, bringing you this gem of a quote.

Yes, despite the flying lizards and cat-people, a talking dog is still surprising. Especially when you find out he belongs to the Daedric Prince of Power, Trickery, and Bargains.

17

“Nords Are So Serious About Beards. So Many Beards. M’aiq Thinks They Wish They Had Glorious Manes Like Khajiit.”

Those uppity Nords think they’re so superior and that Skyrim belongs only to them when in fact, their facial hair pales in comparison to the Khajiit! These kittens had beards and mustaches from the day they were born. They also grew up with a healthy side diet of hairballs as a consequence.

In any case, M’aiq is one out-of-place Khajiit in Skyrim. Often, he introduces himself to you as a random encounter and he’ll impart some unconventional wisdom your way, such as how his father was also called M’aiq and how to grow a beard with a special potion he sells. Classic M’aiq.

16

“Iron Sword Huh? What Are You Killing? Butterflies?”

It’s no secret that the guards in Skyrim are proud and knowledgeable about their swords. While they might not have the best gear themselves, they always seem to have a comment or two ready to roast the Dragonborn’s arsenal. In particular, carrying a cheap iron sword might inspire this backhanded comment.

Although this might be pretty embarrassing to hear, it’s probably best to just keep walking, quietly go buy a better sword, and avoid causing a scene. Guards are a bit of a pain to deal with when attacked, especially in groups.

15

“No Lollygaggin’.”

Has anyone ever seen a guard do anything actually productive? Most of the time, these guys seem to just stand around the city and observe while making snarky comments about the Dragonborn or lamenting about getting an arrow to the knee. And yet, they dare tell the Dragonborn not to lollygag.

Why is this a rule in the first place? And what would be the punishment for it? It seems like the guards not only want people not to steal, but everyone should be a productive member of society. Sounds pretty authoritarian.

14

“If I Had A Sister, I’d Sell Her In A Second.”

• From: Belethor the Breton in Whiterun

There’s no merchant quite like Belethor the Breton, in the iconic city of Whiterun, running his general store by the marketplace. Known for always being energetic and overly eager to sell his wares, he gets pretty annoying after a while. That being said, he does have a couple of lines that make him one of the most entertaining NPCs.

He often tells the Dragonborn everything’s for sale at his store and that if he had a sister, he would sell her in an instant. Sounds like Belethor is a cold-blooded businessman if he’s serious, and there’s always a hint of truth in a joke.

13

“Why The Elven Blade, Huh? Nord Steel Not Good Enough For You?”

Most of the guards around Skyrim are Nords. While there’s no actual proof of this, it’s pretty easy to deduce it from their Nordic accent and just from the general way they seem to praise Skyrim’s culture and traditions. Nords are incredibly proud as well, which is why they blurt out a lot of gems like these.

Carry an elven sword in any of the cities of Skyrim, and some guard will no doubt approach you to roast you for not having a traditional Nordic sword. Even if the sword is objectively better, they seem stuck in their ways.

12

“By Shor, You’re Hauling Around A Lot Of Junk.”

Where does all the stuff the Dragonborn carries go exactly? They don’t have a backpack, and yet somehow, some way, they manage to carry so much on them. Even stranger, the guards seem to always be able to tell when the Dragonborn is carrying some useless junk on them.

It’s not really their business what the Dragonborn has in their inventory, and yet somehow, they know exactly just by looking. Enough with these nosy, sassy guards, Bethesda! The Dragonborn deserves some respect.

11

“Skyrim Belongs To The Nords!”

• From: Nords if they’re fighting

A rather bold and racially-charged rallying call from the Nords. It shows just how much they want to kick the Imperials (and other meddling races) out of their home province of Skyrim. It has led to some political tensions, and you’ll often hear it as a battle cry from some enemies you’re hacking to death.

The funny thing is, Nord NPCs also shout that very line to you while bashing your head with a hammer… even if your character is a Nord. In another instance, your Nord companion will also shout that line to your enemies, even if you’re a Dark Elf, High Elf, or an Imperial, all of which are sworn enemies of Nords. Careful of those guys; they might stab you while you sleep.

10

“Let Me Guess, Someone Stole Your Sweetroll?”

Walk up to a guard in any city in Skyrim, and this is one of the lines they’ll utter to you as a way to dismiss your queries or concerns. You don’t even have to initiate a dialogue with them; they’ll blurt this right at your face with a tone of mockery and condescension.

In their defense, they probably had plenty of children or even adults come to them with cases of stolen sweetrolls. Perhaps it got tiring to hear the same unresolved complaints and crimes over and over again. Or, perhaps you stole too many sweetrolls and are now making the town guards’ lives difficult? In any case, a good Fus Roh Dah to the face of the guards would suffice as an appropriate retort to this question.

9

“Is That… Fur? Coming Out Of Your Ears?”

Hang out with the Companions in Whiterun too much, and they might just turn you into a werewolf. If you accept this opportunity to be able to transform into a big bad wolf, you’ll open up a can of new dialogue options for the guards of Skyrim to say to you, which is that silly question above.

It makes sense if your character is one of the human-looking ones, but this line is a lot more amusing if you chose a Khajiit as your character’s race. That’s because they didn’t ask that line prior to your becoming a werewolf, even if the fur in your character’s ears was there all along. Sadly, there’s no “Duh” reply, so you’ll have to get creative with your Dragonborn shouts instead.

8

“Wait… I Know You…”

• From: Guards if you’ve been naughty

No crime goes unpunished in the land of Skyrim. Even the smallest of crimes, like stealing a block of cheese, killing a chicken, or merely lollygagging can land you in jail. Although, the guards are a lot less vigilant in pursuing you if your crimes are just those mentioned above; hence, this funny dialogue if you have a small bounty on your head.

You know you’re in trouble when you initiate dialogue with a guard and it’s the first thing they say. By then, you’ll have limited options on how to wiggle out. Sometimes you can just simply walk away and pray to Talos they don’t give chase. Other times, you’ll have to pay with your blood, criminal scum!

7

“Psst! Hey. I Know Who You Are. Hail Sithis!”

• From: Guards (who are also assassins, apparently)

Being a member of the Dark Brotherhood is cool. It’s basically a free pass to murder just about anyone without repercussions. As it turns out, even the guards of Skyrim don’t want to intervene with that sort of operation and mentality. No, they couldn’t beat them, so they joined them!

You’ll often hear a guard whisper this line to you like some sort of secret handshake as soon as you finish the Dark Brotherhood questline. It gives you a glimpse into who they’re really loyal to, though how they reveal their allegiance to you can catch you off-guard due to their heavy accent.

6

“You Know The Old Saying: When Life Gives You Lemons, Go Murder A Clown.”

Festus Krex is an old mage in the Dark Brotherhood sanctuary, and he has some of the best lines in the game. He calls himself “the cranky old uncle no one talks to”, though players enjoy his dialogue.

If you speak with the mage during the Cure For Madness quest and tell him you’re going to kill Cicero, it triggers this hilarious line. If you enjoy dry humor, this quote is laugh-out-loud worthy.

5

“Got To Thinking… Maybe I’m The Dragonborn, And I Just Don’t Know It Yet?”

We know who the hero of this story is, and it’s not an unnamed guard. And yet, these helmeted NPCs sometimes have some very ambitious ideas. It doesn’t even make sense. The world already knows the Dragonborn is here, they heard the Greybeards call for them. Why would they think its themselves?

This is made even funnier when they say this line shortly after having helped you, the real Dragonborn, defeat a dragon and watch you consume its soul. Sure, they just saw the defining trait of the Dovahkiin happen to this unique looking character. But that doesn’t mean they can’t dream.

4

“Those Warriors From Hammerfell? They’ve Got Curved Swords. Curved. Swords.”

A guard’s life in Skyrim can be dull and monotonous… even though there’s always action to be found due to wars and dragons. Anyway, one of their favorite past times is idle gossip. Their favorite topic? Warriors from Hammerfell, they got curved swords, you see, something rare and exotic in Skyrim… or any other province in Tamriel.

It can be rather puzzling as to why Nord guards would be curious about the curvature of swords. However, those warriors from Hammerfell are definitely asking for attention the way they dangle their curved swords around their hips.

3

“You’ll Make A Fine Rug, Cat!”

• From: Enemies if you’re a Khajiit

Apart from the “never should have come here!” threat from hostile NPCs, they can get creative depending on your character’s race. If you happen to be a Khajiit, for example, they give you this laughably cruel taunt.

As it is, the Khajiit are the joke race of Tamriel because the other races regard them as compulsive thieves. Even their home province is called Elsweyr. How do you take that seriously? In any case, that would be quite the rug to explain to your guests.