Monster Hunter’s monsters are divided into categories like Flying, Brute, Piscine, and Temnoceran (whatever that means), but over the years I have created a few categories of my own.
For example, Tobi-Kadachi belongs to the category Very Good Boys, while all the spider-like monsters belong in the Nope! category. Every monster fits into one of my categories – except one: Khezu. Khezu is a monster that defies categorization, while also being so foul and unpleasant to think about that it must be quarantined in a category of its own.
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Khezu, the slimy penis monster, is in the Khezu category, and I’ve been perfectly content to leave it alone there for years. Unfortunately, the degenerates over at Capcom weren’t satisfied with just one abomination on the roster. Monster Hunter Wilds violates our eyes, and probably some decency laws in at least a few countries, with a new freaky little guy called Rompopolo. And folks, it wants to be Khezu so bad.
Rompopolo, Monster Hunter’s Latest Design Crime
I’ll describe Rompopolo for you first, and I expect every additional detail I add will make you more uncomfortable than the last. Rompopolo is a slick black Brute Wyvern that stands on two three-toed legs, with tiny arms that end in sharp claws like those of a praying mantis. Its head is round and lumpy, like a brain attached to a neck with no skull to protect it. It has giant bug eyes, a long proboscis-like beak. Its tongue, which it flicks around like a worm on a hook, can spray toxic gas.
Oh baby, we’re just getting started. Rompopolo’s back and tail are similar to its head: black, oil-slick, and lumpy, with large expandable sacs that inflate with poison gas. On the tip of its tail is a giant stinger that it attacks with, but it can also shove its tail in the ground to inject gas into the oilsands it preys in. Here’s the worst part: when Rompopolo fills up its body sacs with gas, it then injects those fumes into the ground to create explosions that knock its prey of their feet, allowing Rompopolo to approach, mount its victim, and do whatever it does with that long wormy tongue.
It’s horrible. Rompopolo is truly a disaster to behold. It’s a hard fight – not because of its strong attacks, but because you don’t want to get anywhere near this thing. Its flesh sacks ripple and shake as they expand with gas and its body trembles, either because the process of expanding is incredibly painful, or because it’s excited to prey upon you. Probably both. You can slice open the sacks to deactivate its explosive abilities, but that just makes it even more unpleasant to look at. There’s no doubt about it, Rompopolo is a nightmare. But does it belong in a category with Khezu? I say not so fast.
There’s Only One Khezu
It’s clear that Capcom intended to recapture the uncomfortable magic of Khezu with Rompopolo, and I have to give credit where credit is due: Rompopolo is a nasty guy I wish I’d never met. But the truth is it barely holds a candle to Khezu’s horribleness. There’s only one king of the freak castle, and it’s uncircumcised.
This is going to be self-evident to a lot of people, but I’ll briefly make the case for why Rompopolo is, at worst, Khezu’s little bro. Even with its dark, oil slick exterior, Rompopolo is surprisingly less Xenomorphic than Khezu for one simple reason: it’s missing that phallic, psychosexual quality that makes Khezu so awful. It’s wet, fleshy, and shaped like a bundle of tumors, but Rompopolo just doesn’t have Khezu’s girth, if you catch my drift.
I don’t know why I’m being coy about it. Khezu is a giant penis with teeth. It’s a slimy grey penis monster! It hangs from cave ceilings so it can catch its prey by surprise, then it stretches its long slimy neck to reveal its throbbing veins and blood vessels before paralyzing its prey and inseminating them with its young, which grow inside the host until they can consume them from within. I’m sorry Capcom, you peaked too early with this one. There’s no use trying to freak us out with nasty monsters when Khezu exists. You’ve already gone too far.
Rompopolo is definitely an upsetting creature, and it’s great that Monster Hunter has more to offer than just a bunch of different colored dragons, but trying to follow Khezu with Rompopolo is like making the last round of Fear Factor bungee jumping when you just buried the contestants up to their necks in cockroaches.
Sorry Capcom, I’m already too traumatized to care about Rompopolo’s gas sacs. It’s your fault I don’t have regular emotions anymore. Your penis monster did this to me, and until they invent a Men in Black flashy thing or the Severance procedure, I’m going to have to live with that image. And you’re going to have to live with not being able to scare me with any new freaky little guys.
- Released
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February 28, 2025
- ESRB
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T For Teen // Violence, Blood, Crude Humor
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