We’re coming up on the 20th anniversary of 20th Century Fox’s first attempt at bringing the Fantastic Four to the big screen, and it’s probably been just as long since I watched the 2005 movie in full. Unlike the X-Men, the First Family didn’t take off at all in the mid-2000s as the focus of a lucrative film franchise. While the movie got a sequel two years later, Fox axed plans for a full trilogy and we didn’t see Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch or The Thing back in theaters until the much-maligned 2015 reboot. With the characters now in the hands of Disney, and MCU entry Fantastic Four: First Steps just a few months out, I wondered if the original 2005 film was as bad as it’s remembered, so I pulled it up on Disney+ and gave it an earnest shot.
Sadly, yeah, it’s pretty bad. The Fantastic Four movie is weighed down by too many of the worst aspects of its mid-2000s era, and I’m not just talking about very ropey CGI. There’s cheesy butt rock that follows the chaotic playboy Johnny Storm in nearly every scene he gets by himself, half the scenes are bogged down by a stilted Disney Channel awkwardness that never quite reaches endearing camp, and there’s even a blatant, intrusive ad for the original Xbox featured prominently onscreen at one point. But even with these aspects put aside, the movie fails to scratch the surface of why the Fantastic Four have been mainstays in Marvel’s catalog.
Sure, it hits the two major bullet points: The quartet goes up into space and is exposed to a cosmic cloud that alters their DNA and gives them superpowers, and a person going by the name Victor Von Doom is the baddy. The problem is that Fantastic Four portrays the fiery familial passion of the group with the intensity of lightly flavored mineral water. Ioan Gruffudd and Jessica Alba’s Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman are devoid of any romantic magnetism, but I’m supposed to believe they have a storied, angsty past as they argue about Reed’s meticulous nature in a flat monotone. Julian McMahon’s Doom is supposed to complete a love triangle, but everyone in this group talks to each other as if they just met at a bar, aren’t interested in each other, and are trying to politely let each other down. Making matters worse, Doom is such a non-presence in the film that when he starts to do villain-y things, it feels like someone speaking up at a party after sitting in the corner alone for an hour. I don’t believe he loves Sue (or even thinks he does) when he proposes to her. I barely believe that he’s human, even before he gets hit with cosmic rays and turns into a deteriorating metallic villain. Doom as a bastard billionaire instead of a mystical tyrant probably focus-tested better 20 years ago, but it’s another example of the movie robbing the Fantastic Four of any vibrancy.
The saving graces of the cast are Chris Evans as the Human Torch and Michael Chiklis as the Thing. Though I’m not thrilled with the throat-destroyingly gravelly voice Chiklis puts on, there are affecting moments when he struggles with his new golem-like appearance, trying to find people who will accept him now rather than cower in fear. Evans is the standout, however, and it’s not surprising that he would be the one to stay in the superhero business after these movies. He lucked out, being the only character who’s happy with this superpowered turn of events, but he’s also the only actor who seems excited to be there.
Fantastic Four’s biggest problem is that it’s boring
While many are wont to claim the Marvel Cinematic Universe is the harbinger of the end of cinema, at least many of its movies aren’t a complete slog. Fantastic Four, on the other hand, carries itself with a dreary level of self-seriousness. It’s a superpowered soap opera that lacks the charisma or chemistry that makes you care about the drama. The stoicism of this film is so suffocating that even Evans’ joy is smothered.
That’s Fantastic Four’s biggest problem: not the weird deviations from the source material, but just how boring it all is. Emotionally, visually, and cinematically, everything about the film is flat. I’m surprised that its memetic notoriety for being bad has persisted this long because it’s not even bad in any way that’s interesting; it’s simply forgettable. For a group of heroes known as a family above all else, it’s jarring how much this version of the Fantastic Four feels like coworkers acting out a corporate-mandated skit. It’s giving when your corpo boss says “We’re a family” and throws a pizza party.
It’s encouraging that First Steps seems to have learned some lessons from Fox’s failures, with the group’s proper MCU debut leaning into a distinct retro-future aesthetic that distinguishes it from the rest of the franchise. Hopefully it feels like the proper adaptation the First Family deserves when it premieres on July 25.