Ah, Godzilla. King of the Monsters. Wrecker of cities. Fighter of kaiju. Nobody in their right mind looks at this behemoth of destructive power and thinks, “Hey, you know what, I bet I could live with that. Sharing the rent price with a city wrecker wouldn’t be so bad.” You’d assume that you simply cannot live with a giant destructive monster in the house, but after thinking about the logistics of kaiju apartment life, a thought occurs. Why not?
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One after the other, the benefits began to outweigh the negatives. I became a believer in kaiju cohabitation. I have seen the truth. This, my fellow gamers, kaiju fans, and morbidly curious onlookers, is my comprehensive list of arguments for why living with Godzilla is not only theoretically possible in a universe where Godzilla is real, but completely and totally a good idea, no matter what my wife says.
6
Lower Costs
Who’s Going To Say No?
Here’s the deal. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to want to be on Godzilla’s bad side. All that needs to happen in order for you to get the best deals you’ve ever had for almost nothing in monthly payments is one sentence: “I can guarantee Godzilla won’t destroy your home or business if you insure/rent this living space to us for dirt cheap…”
Some people might call that a threat, but the way I see it, Godzilla’s a kaiju, it was going to terrorize the city every so often anyway. Is it fraudulent to scare your provider into rent or insurance for half the price of everyone else’s in a mutually beneficial agreement? I guess so, but that just begs the question: Who’s going to try to do anything about it?
5
Lots Of Space
If It Fits Godzilla, It’s Got To Be Pretty Big, Right?
Roommate implies that you share a living space, obviously, and any living space fit for Godzilla has got to be absolutely enormous. If you’re tired of the cramped college dorms and teeny tiny apartments in the city, consider rooming with a kaiju in the future for an easy size upgrade for no extra charge.
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Of course, there may be some downsides to Godzilla sharing a space with you, no matter how big it is, but who’s going to complain about a giant living space? Imagine the echo you’d get in the halls, the daily exercise you’d get running two and a half miles to the bathroom every morning, or the amount of stuff you could store in there. The possibilities are endless.
4
Incredible Dorm Parties
For Those Who Dare To Show Up
Okay, scratch that, who isn’t showing up to a giant monster party in a giant house? I’d go, and I never go to parties. I never do anything, I write about video games for a living. I’d be at that party though, that’s for sure. Godzilla might not be able to participate in beer pong or darts, but it does provide some pretty sick lighting thanks to those glowing spines on its back, and if you can manage to get it tapping its foot to the music playing, you officially have the world’s greatest bass system.
If bass so strong you literally cannot stop jumping is your thing, you just like the idea of throwing the biggest parties in town, or you’re simply morbidly curious as to what would happen when a bunch of people get dangerously close to Godzilla’s massive legs, you’ve got yourself a good roommate in the King of the Monsters.
3
Free Heating
Radiation Poisoning Is Just The Thing For Those Cold Winter Nights
Heated blankets truly are one of life’s grand miracles, aren’t they? If you live in an especially toasty part of the world, this benefit may be lost on you, but if snow falls in the wintertime where you’re at, you know how good a deal free, natural heating really is.
Is it also true that Godzilla’s natural heat comes from extremely high radiation levels? Oh yeah, absolutely, but that’s a problem for future you to deal with, and future you is very responsible and on top of things, so I’m sure they can figure something out.
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You can also say goodbye to ovens, microwaves, and air fryers. Godzilla’s spines and atomic breath do it all! Fry a burger at twelve AM, curl up next to Goji’s incredible tail for a toasty warm nap or good night’s sleep, enjoy the thrill of frozen dinners without having to own a microwave or visit the dorms’ common area to heat up your lunch. The sky’s the limit when it comes to this perk.
2
Top Of The Line Amenities
Constant Remodeling Means Constant Upgrades
Godzilla is always being monitored. Big deal, I say. The big tech companies already monitor everyone all the time anyway, and at least if you live next to a giant kaiju you can know for a fact that your search history isn’t the most important thing to watch in the house, right? Some might reject the publicity that comes with this, but you know what else being constantly attended to by the government usually means? Top of the line amenities, baby!
Government provided facilities would constantly be destroyed and replaced by virtue of there being a giant monster in the building, but the never-ending upgrades to the building mean you never have to worry about replacing them yourself, and you never have to deal with out-of-date tech! Good morning feds, yes, put that new smart washer over there, please.
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One Of Those How-To-Train-Your-Dragon-Core Friendships
He’s No Toothless, But He’ll Have To Do
No matter what anyone says, this will always be the coolest benefit in my eyes. Who could forget watching Hiccup befriend Toothless in How To Train Your Dragon, and then secretly wished they too could make friends with an awesome scaled creature of some kind and go on heroic adventures together?
While the physical benefits have their merits, of course, the giant monster friendship part has got to be the most enticing. We actually got a decent look at what kaiju friendship would be like recently with the Monsterverse’s Godzilla x Kong films, though those were more about what friendship with Kong would be like than a friendship with the big G himself. If that depiction is anything to go off of, actually earning Godzilla’s trust would take a while, but once earned, that bond would be unbreakable, and would lead to the kinds of adventures we can only dream about in our kaiju-less world.
