Everyone wants video games for Christmas. There are too many of them and they’re too expensive, so why shouldn’t Santa foot the bill for them once a year, right? Exactly.
But did anybody stop to think about what video games themselves want for Christmas? It’s like nobody even asked them! What, like they’re just products with no sentience or desires and this idea is inherently flawed and not even that funny? Geddoutta here with that humbug, it’s Christmas time! Let’s see what your favourite games from 2024 want for Christmas.
Astro Bot
What do you get the bot that has everything? Bloodborne Remastered of course! You want it, I want it, everybody in gaming wants it, and with its love for all things PlayStation, you can bet your bottom PlayStation Star that Astro Bot wants it.
I suck at Soulslikes and am actually indifferent to Bloodborne, for the record.
Palworld
The earliest game to take the world by storm in 2024, Palworld’s fate of being derailed by Nintendo mirrored the year’s own. With the lawsuit rumbling on and Palworld already making changes to the game, it seems the best gift for it going into 2025 would be a fake beard. Palworld? No Mr. Nintendo Lawyer, you have the wrong building. We make Balworld here.
Infinity Nikki
The official Barbie doll of Glinda the Good from Wicked. It just makes sense, right? It’s basically a Barbie game, except it’s actually good. And Nikki gives out very (pre-heel turn) Glinda vibes, especially if you equip her with a wand. Both are also huge trends to close out the year in style.
Stellar Blade
The official Barbie doll of Glinda the Good from Wicked, but specifically the original run where the website on the back was for an ‘adult video’ site instead of the Wicked movie.
Fun fact: I have a friend who works in a department store, and he had to cross out all the website listings in permanent marker for a whole crate of dolls by hand.
All Those Games Whose Devs Complained About Not Being Nominated At The Game Awards
I’m not going to call them out by name, because I don’t like to kick a collection of polygons shaped like a dog when it’s down, but I saw developers from three different games whining about not being nominated at The Game Awards this year. Only one of them had a point, and all three stressed that The Game Awards don’t matter anyway as they slowly turned into a corncob.
So I got them all stickers that say ‘Official Best Game’ to make them feel better, but also to make them go away.
I adored Metaphor: ReFantazio, but it made me question if I was a massive hypocrite. Like most people who have to write daily opinions for a living, the answer is ‘probably’. You see, I never fully vibed with the romances of Persona 5, which seemed problematic for a number of reasons. I also defended Avowed for its decision to ditch romance to focus on a more driven story.
And yet, as I played Metaphor: ReFantazio, I wanted to date Hulkenberg. And Catherina. And Junah, who even gets a romantic thread teased. So I’m gifting it A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas, so it can learn how to put some darn romance into its fantasy story.
Dragon Age: The Veilguard
Dragon Age is one of my favourite series in gaming, and I still enjoyed The Veilguard even if it was too gentle to commit. Nothing seems to matter enough in BioWare’s latest, with no interpersonal tension and extremely limited roleplay. Lore and nuance is discarded to make sure everyone has a nice time.
I would have had a nicer time with a game that gave me just a bit more respect. So I’m gifting it A Game of Thrones by George R R Martin, so it can learn how to put some darn grit into its fantasy story.
Concord
Concord seems like a board gamer, because it sure board gamers this year, am I right?! Seriously though, please stop making live-service games.
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OpenCritic
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Top Critic Rating:
95/100
- Released
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September 6, 2024
- Developer(s)
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Team Asobi