It’s Christmas, and people around the world are traveling home to see their families. While often stressful, the holidays are a time for connection with loved ones and a chance to enjoy one another’s company during this short run we have on Earth. But it’s hard to deny the last few years have been stressful, and conversations about certain topics can lead to so many misunderstandings and arguments. The world is not in a good place. Many people aren’t either. And, if there’s one thing a lot of us will be struggling to discuss with our families with the proper amount of care and respect this year, it’s Balatro.
You may have already received questions about Balatro from an older relative. Questions like, “What is Balatro?” or “Balatro, what is it?” And these questions can be difficult to answer. You could say Balatro is a single-player version of Poker, but that’s not really right. It uses the rules of Poker as a backbone, but doesn’t really play the same or involve the same amount of cards in your hand at once. You could call it a deck-building Poker game, but then you’re going to have to explain what a deck-building game is. Get ready for a long journey that begins with, “Remember Magic: The Gathering? Well over the last few decades…” And by the time you’re done explaining what a deck-building game is, the other person will be bored. It does nothing to reveal the true majesty of the game.
It’s Not Too Late To Save Them
Now, this could be a good or a bad thing. Because, as we all agree, there is nothing purer, yet more destructive than Balatro. It’s the perfect social contagion, spreading from person to person. After one round comes two rounds. After two? Three rounds. After three? Four. Next up is five. And so on and so forth in numerical order. We’ve all been there. We’ve all clawed our way out by reminding ourselves that we needed to finish Persona 3 Reload, even though we really didn’t. But what about your relatives that don’t have a video game backlog? The people whose last obsession was Peggle or even Zuma? Their bodies haven’t developed an immunity to repetitive, but ceaselessly interesting video games.
And this danger could spread to you. Let’s say you’re playing Balatro on your phone because your dad wants to both spend time together and fall asleep on the couch while watching a basketball game you’ve got no interest in. All one other relative needs to do is come out of nowhere, stand over your shoulder and ask, “What are you doing?” and suddenly you’re in a Balatro situation. It can happen that quickly. God forbid they’ve been watching for a while, because they might start to understand that – once you’re in – there’s no escaping an incredible run ruined by a boss effect that reduces your best card hand bonuses. They might get ideas about playing a Balatro of their own.
Of course, if you trust them, you can show them Balatro. Run the tutorial again even though it feels vaguely condescending. Point at the screen when you yourself need to be outwardly condescending. The hands are Poker hands. Each card in a hand gives a point unless it’s not part of the specific Poker hand unless you’ve got the right Joker that says every card in every hand counts. Start simple. Then explain the Jokers. Then explain the Jokers again. Then just ask them to play the game. If you’re lucky, they’ll find the initial five minutes of play too confusing and they’ll never pick up Balatro again. Your family conversations can return to gossiping about the one person not in the room.
But It Might Be
If you’re unlucky, they’re going to understand Balatro. And if they understand Balatro, they’re going to love Balatro. And if they love Balatro, they’re never giving you your device back. If you made the mistake of showing a family member Balatro on a phone, you’re going to just need to get a new device and a new number because you’re never getting that back. It’s theirs now. They get your work emails. Keep your laptop battery as low as possible – because when they ask to play, they are draining that sucker to zero. This is the glory and danger of Balatro. Your family will cease fighting and become as one, like trees connected by a mycorrhizal network. The peace you never thought you’d have will finally rest in your mind.
This might sound good, but, as I said, most of your family will have no natural immunity against video games. Once Balatro spreads to a household, nothing gets done. Ever. Again. There is no Christmas anymore. Presents will not appear under the tree – your mom is in her 60s and she’s rocking three negative Jokers that all have a huge score multiplier. The Christmas feast will not be cooked – your dad’s back is out and he’s got at least seven Aces in his deck now. The scrumptious cookies will not be baked – grandma died three years ago so this is less of a problem regarding Balatro. Your household will fall into an unfamiliar chaos, a quiet one, a dark one, something akin to an 1800s drug den but with fewer mysteries to solve.
However, there is one way to avoid this fate. If you don’t want your family to fall victim to Balatro, I need to go back to another point: explaining it makes no sense. You need to tell and not show. Bring up Magic: The Gathering and walk them all the way through the history of collectible card games and then card games that are sorta like collectible card games and then how that genre exploded. They will want no part of this conversation by the time you reach Slay the Spire. You see, if you let your relatives watch you play Balatro, and give them the time to process what’s happening, they’ll be able to figure it out themselves and take charge like a velociraptor opening a door. But if you just describe the rules and how you can get more Jokers if you beat the game using other Jokers but maybe not all the Poker hands… eventually they’re going to leave you alone. Then, once you’re alone, you can focus on the most important thing in your life: Balatro.
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OpenCritic
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Top Critic Rating:
91/100
- Released
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February 20, 2024
- Developer(s)
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LocalThunk
- Publisher(s)
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Playstack