Depression is indiscriminate. All the success and love in the world will not shield you from its fangs. It doesn’t care if you’re on vacation. It doesn’t care if you got that promotion. It certainly doesn’t care if Shadow of the Erdtree, the DLC you have been anticipating for ages, is finally due to be released.
For months, I had been counting down the days until Shadow of the Erdtree’s June 21 release date. But when the big day arrived, I found myself approaching the Elden Ring DLC with trepidation. I traveled to Mohgwyn’s Palace and began my journey into The Shadow Realms, wishing I could feel the excitement and sense of occasion that I knew this DLC is worth. But how would I be able to enjoy it when I was, at that time, incapable of enjoying anything?
Baby steps
I stepped into Gravesite Plain with despondence, only for the shriek of Logur, the Beast Claw to rudely interrupt my numbness with a jump scare. Who is this guy? And what are these Martial Arts attacks? I was totally caught off guard, not just by this unlikely FromSoft boss but by the adrenaline pumping through my veins after so long without it.
I died – as tends to happen in Elden Ring – and as I ran back to face Logur for the fifth time, I noticed another emotion flooding back to me: determination. One tough lil’ enemy was making me feel things other than sadness for the first time in so long. When I finally killed him, I was more grateful to Logan for this than for the spectacular Beast Claws gloves he dropped.
When you’re feeling bleak, there’s nothing more comforting than bleak art – be it a sad song, a tragic film or a harrowing backstory to the Warrior Jars. The gloomy atmosphere of Shadow of the Erdtree felt like a symbolic mirror, the somber visuals and soundtrack reflecting the tensions within my own mind. It was strangely reassuring to walk around a world as gritty as The Shadow Realms when feeling depressed, because I knew no one in The Shadow Realms was going to tell me to cheer up. I felt no pressure to be happy when exploring the desolate Scorched Ruins. The DLC became my safe sad space with its relentless lack of cheer.
After a few hours playing the DLC, I was hooked. In-game struggles became an outlet for my own mental health struggles. If I could take down Rellana Twin Moon Knight, then I could do anything – even if ‘anything’ just meant getting dressed that day.
At a time in my life when everything felt futile, I could feel myself caring about something again
Time goes slowly when you’re depressed. In spring this year, I became used to days dragging by while I waited to feel human again. But after being locked in a war of attrition with the giant Furnace Golem, I glanced at my phone to notice a couple of hours had passed quickly and painlessly. I almost cried. Could the beautiful, absorbing flow state of gaming be coming back to me? I hadn’t felt this immersed in a game for so long, and had worried I would never again. Yet here I was, hunched over my controller with zero awareness of the clock, poking away at a wicker giant kicking fireballs at me.
Riding into the Cerulean Coast for the first time, I gasped aloud. The beauty of the ghostly flowers glowing against the rich purple and blue hues of the sky struck me hard. I felt appreciation return and sat still atop Torrent for a few minutes, drinking in the bewitching in-game view. Then a thought cut through my brain fog like Milady’s sword: If I can relate to the dark themes in Shadow of the Erdtree whilst also finding beauty within them, maybe I can find the same within myself?
Inspired, I continued into The Cerulean Coast to face Ghostflame Dragon. While his flame continued to kill me, nothing was stopping me from trying once more. This boss fight gave me a much-appreciated sense of purpose. At a time in my life when everything felt futile, I could feel myself caring about something again. And that something is one of the greatest DLCs ever made.
A few days before Shadow of the Erdtree’s release, I struggled to find the energy to brush my teeth. Shortly after its release, I saw myself in the mirror while cleaning my teeth – after an evening defeating bosses – and was taken aback to see a spark of light in my eyes. A spark I hadn’t seen in so long. To my surprise, I looked alive again. As alive as I feel when exploring The Shadow Realms.
I may have died many times in-game, but my hope in real life persevered. I guess I have one more Flask of Wondrous Physick left in my heart after all, and it’s thanks to Shadow of the Erdtree.
After your rematch with Radahn, see out this year with our best games of 2024