OSHA stands for the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, which… if you don’t know what any of that means, it basically boils down to this: OSHA is the group that makes sure your workplace is safe. Having worked exclusively online for the past year, I don’t see myself returning to the office anytime soon, but that doesn’t mean OSHA regulations aren’t still on my mind.
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In reflecting on previous in-person jobs, and in the realization that video games technically are my job now, I’ve decided to compare OSHA’s regulations to my favorite video game workplaces and rank them based on how safe they would actually be to work at in real life. I’ll be ranking each workplace by assigning them a letter grade on the classic A to F grading scale, as well as listing them in order from least to most recommended for virtual employment.
I’m by no means an expert on OSHA regulations, but I studied each workplace’s potential hazards and violations to the best of my ability.
6
Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza
Five Nights At Freddy’s
Starting things off with a relatively famous example of a video game workplace, we have Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, an eatery and playground with unfortunate ties to frequent child disappearances and horrifying animatronic animals. While Freddy’s has provided multiple locations, almost all of which are riddled with violations (especially FNAF 3 and Sister Location), the first game’s workplace is relatively safe for employees, aside from the large mechanical elephant in the room.
No, not Freddy; I’m talking about the giant metal doors that shut at the speed of light. According to OSHA regulations, overhead doors should include lights that indicate when they are closed, which Freddy’s doors have. What they don’t have, however, is a sensor that forces the door to retract when something or someone is detected below it. Granted, that’s ultimately in your best interest, since the doors are meant as defense against the incoming killer robots, but it is in violation of OSHA regulations nonetheless.
There are also no fire exits in the night watchman’s quarters, which is a big no no. Speaking from in-game experience, a fire exit located directly behind you that isn’t reliant on electricity would be appreciated in case workers need to make a quick escape, and we know there’s no fire escape at Freddy’s because of multiple fires from which Springtrap, a former employee, has been unable to escape. All in all, Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza receives a letter grade of C+, and a stern finger waving lecture about the importance of having more frequent fire drills. That being said, I still don’t think I can recommend employment here for a multitude of non-OSHA related reasons.
5
Mushroom Kingdom Construction
Super Mario Maker 2
Things look all fine and dandy when you look at Mario’s cute little construction outfit complete with adorable hardhat, both of which seem rather on point with what OSHA requires of construction workers and their provided uniforms. Same goes for the Toads, really, all very safe and in compliance with OSHA’s guidelines from what I could tell. However, one look at the scaffolding on Peach’s Castle as it’s being rebuilt, or lack thereof, paints a bleak picture of the kingdom’s safety standards.
OSHA is pretty clear on scaffolding regulations, and this crew’s construction shortcuts just ain’t gonna cut it in that regard. According to regulations for scaffolding, “Each platform must be planked and decked as fully as possible with the space between the platform and uprights not more than 1 inch (2.5 cm) wide. The space must not exceed 9½ inches (24.1 cm) when side brackets or odd-shaped structures result in a wider opening between the platform and the uprights.” Hate to break it to you, Toads, but floating blocks are not fully planked and decked.
Of course, OSHA also prohibits work on platforms which do not have guardrails, and last I checked, none of the Toads’ so-called scaffolding has anything of the sort. That’s the biggest offense, especially on the higher levels of Peach’s castle, where falls could lead to serious injuries. They may have hard hats, but that won’t protect this construction crew against the book OSHA’s about to throw. Mushroom Kingdom Construction isn’t even the company’s official name! I just made that up because I couldn’t find evidence of a more official title! Very shady, Toadette. Just what kind of ship are you really running here, anyway?
Mushroom Kingdom Construction (speculated name), gets a D- for shocking violations of OSHA safety standards for scaffolding, and suspicions that even more violations are lurking just beneath the surface…
4
River Fields Mortuary
The Mortuary Assistant
It’s not technically in violation of OSHA’s regulations to trick a desperate person looking for honest work into a demonology scheme, but it isn’t very nice, and I disagree with the thought process, management! What is in violation of OSHA regulations is the lack of a standard blood-borne pathogens precautionary plan, including but not limited to the lack of offered vaccines for hepatitis B, no written exposure control plan, and no procedures for post-exposure evaluations or follow-ups, and we know this is the case, because you literally follow the lead character through the entire hiring process, and none of these important safety precautions get so much as a mention. Not a good look, River Fields.
The shortcuts in the training program are also in violation, with multiple important aspects of the job not explained with proper supervision from management. You’re literally called in to work impromptu before you’ve even finished your training period with no supervision and very little guidance. When working with cadavers, which can be incredibly dangerous if not properly handled due to the aforementioned risk of bloodborne pathogens, this kind of behavior is completely out of line, and that’s to say nothing of…whatever it is that demon creature is trying to do to you.
They may seem like small hazards, but they pose a real issue to a mortuary worker who isn’t offered gloves. Really. You don’t get gloves or multiple easily accessible handwashing stations. This place is a hotbed for illnesses, no wonder it’s cursed by a demon. River Fields Mortuary receives a failing grade, F, for being riddled with high profile biohazards and failing to properly train new employees. It won’t be the demon that does you in if you’re working here, that’s for sure.
3
Any Mobile Kitchen
Overcooked
There are multitudes of kitchens available in the hit multiplayer cooking series, Overcooked, but any kitchen that is located on a high-speed moving vehicle is a no-go. That’s not even an OSHA thing, that’s just good old-fashioned illegal in most US states. An industrial grill running inside of a moving vehicle while it moves is just not going to happen without violating OSHA code, the law, and basic human decency.
But it gets worse.
Not only are the mobile kitchens in the Overcooked games especially dangerous and almost certainly illegal, but they also commit the cardinal FDA sin from the second your timer starts. Each and every game of Overcooked ends with at least a small amount of cross-contamination. Raw food gets near cooked food, and especially in the case of raw meat, this is a serious violation. Additionally, mobile kitchens must have an easily accessible exit route in case of emergency under OSHA regulations, which are absent in Overcooked’s many kitchens, mobile or not.
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Realistically, OSHA couldn’t get the Overcooked kitchens shut down for that without a lot of extra paperwork, but the FDA probably could, and the local police would have no trouble cooking Overcooked’s goose in court for reckless and unsafe behavior on the road. Overcooked’s mobile kitchens receive a C from OSHA, but a failing grade from the legal system as well as the FDA.
2
Nook’s Cranny
Animal Crossing
Tom Nook’s little shop in the Animal Crossing series is pretty compliant under most OSHA standards. The main violations are related to not training staff on how to lift heavy things inside the shop, as well as asking one person to carry potentially heavy furniture by hand in order to make deliveries in games where Nook ‘hires’ you at the beginning of the game. Tom Nook gets around this violation by virtue of transforming his stock into leaves before asking you to transport it off the premises, but it’s still irresponsible to ask you to carry these things unsupervised.
Nookling Junction, Nook’s Cranny, and really any shop owned by Tom Nook suffers from a complete and total lack of any posted safety information, or instructions on how to lift heavy objects safely. OSHA would definitely be willing to give the tanuki tycoon a slap on the wrist or two as a result, but the punishment wouldn’t go much further than that. All tools are kept out of reach and in separate sale containers, and construction for renovations of Nook’s businesses are always executed safely, with the proper scaffolding to boot.
Tom Nook’s workplaces receive a letter grade of B+ for adherence to OSHA regulations, and a semi-stern lecture about the importance of proper workplace training programs.
Tanukis have historically been able to transform using leaves in Japanese folklore, which is the cultural inspiration behind the character as well as the leaf iconography for furniture in Animal Crossing.
1
Bridges Delivery Service
Death Stranding
As much as I’d like to rag on Bridges for allowing Sam to travel alone, it turns out that OSHA’s 1915.84 regulation does permit solitary work, just as long as employers are sure to account for solitary employees at regular intervals throughout their shift. Luckily, Bridges does this in spades. As a matter of fact, you could argue they keep a bit too close an eye on you throughout the game. Seriously, is anybody else haunted to this day by nightmares of the incoming call sound or is it just me?
Come to think of it, Death Stranding may just be the most OSHA adherent game ever made. You can’t do anything as a Bridges delivery worker without first gaining the proper experience in the field, and that goes for everything from driving to using ladders. The game asks you to take care that you’re wearing the proper footwear, allows for pee breaks (which is more than I can say for some delivery companies out there…), and even provides workers with recharge stations to rest at between jobs. Precise and exact weights for what you’re carrying, proper balance training for employees in the form of multiple useful tutorials, Bridges has your back more than any nonfictional delivery company ever will.
Of course, it’s possible to violate OSHA regulations, if you as the player choose to, but if you do that, then that’s your fault, not the company’s. All in all, Bridges seems to take Sam’s safety as an employee very seriously, and what violations there may be in the game come down to circumstantial outside influence rather than lackluster safety measures. Bridges earns an astounding A for their efforts, and is officially the safest video game work place by regulation, assuming the risk of BTs and robbery doesn’t deter you.
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