The Game Awards this, The Game Awards that. We’re already tired of hearing about Geoff Keighley’s marketing show, and it’s still weeks away from actually happening. It is GOTY season, though, and while TheGamer’s staff will start sharing their lists soon, I’m more interested in classifying this year’s games in weird and unorthodox ways, because so many of them have been weird and unorthodox themselves.
So here’s 2024 in gaming, except they’re people who went to your high school. Strap in, students. You’re not allowed to leave till the final bell rings.
Future President
Will, Metaphor: ReFantazio
If you’ve already played Atlus’ latest RPG, you know this is pretty much Will’s whole deal. Metaphor: ReFantazio follows Will, an orphan from a marginalised tribe, as he participates in a Royal Tournament in an attempt to take the throne.
Well, really, he’s just trying to kill the guy who killed the king so he can free his best friend, the rightful heir, from a magic curse. But he can’t, because the killer is protected by royal magic, because he’s a candidate for the throne, so he has to use the tournament to infiltrate his inner circle and… look, it’s very complicated.
The point is, he’s a great leader. That kid’s going places. As a bonus, Metaphor also gets Best Singer, because that Buddhist priest is going crazy on that battle theme. Here’s my other favourite Japanese Monk song, while we’re talking about it.
Most Likely To Be Famous
Black Myth: Wukong
Ah, the most famous of them all. Black Myth: Wukong is one of the fastest-selling games of all time, had 2.2 million concurrent players on Steam the day it launched, and is a torchbearer for triple-A game development in China, where the industry is dominated by mobile games with gacha mechanics. Also, Sun Wukong is one of the most famous mythological figures, like, ever. So I guess he’s already proven the superlative right.
Most Stylish
Phoenix Springs
Okay, we’re looking at this from an abstract point of view. Is protagonist Iris Dormer the best dressed character? She’s wearing a blouse and pants the whole game, so maybe not. But Phoenix Springs is one of the most visually striking, memorable games I’ve ever played. I’m obsessed with its colour palette. It’s just unbelievably beautiful, a real feast for the eyes.
Most Ambitious
Harold Halibut
You all forgot about old Harold, didn’t you? While Harold Halibut isn’t the biggest game, or the most complex, it took ten years to make, because every single one of its assets was made by hand from materials like clay, welded metal, and wood, then rendered in 3D through photogrammetry, and animated from there.
That’s sets, puppets, props, and costumes. In fact, the original plan was to make the whole game in stop-motion, before the team realised this would somehow take even more time than expected. If that’s not ambitious, I don’t know what is.
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Best Driver
You, Pacific Drive
Pacific Drive’s fictionalised version of the Olympic Peninsula is full of danger, and your car is your safe haven – you have to explore the map over several runs, fixing up your motor all the while, because this survival game is also somehow also a roguelike.
I’m a good driver in real life, but I am a very, very bad driver in Pacific Drive. I also don’t know how to fix a car in real life, though I can change a tire, so that’s something. If you finished Pacific Drive, you’re the best driver of them all. This award is for you.
Most Likely To Repeat Themselves
Naughty Dog, The Last of Us Part 2 Remastered
Ah yes, the latest of Naughty Dog’s remastering efforts, directed at a game that launched just four years ago and already had excellent graphics. Naughty Dog just loves to make a remaster. Where’s The Last of Us Part 3, you sickos? All of these remasters, and for what? I swear to god, if we get The Last of Us Part 1 Relasted Reparted next year, I’ll challenge Neil Druckmann to a cage fight. I don’t even care if I lose, it’s the principle of it.
Balatro
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Most Likely To Save The World
Watcher, 1000xResist
1000xResist is very close to my heart – it’s about Asian diaspora, the pandemic, intergenerational trauma, and revolution. It has some of the best writing I’ve ever seen in a game. It’s unashamedly political and powerful. Hekki grace, Watcher, you can save the world. Whether you’ll reform it or keep the status quo is up to you.
Class Clown
Ichiban Kasuga, Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth
As every Yakuza game has, Infinite Wealth made me laugh till there were tears in my eyes. Every year I say the newest game in the series is the funniest that’s ever been made, and then RGG releases another one, and it supplants its predecessor. I will ride or die for Ichiban Kasuga, and you can put that on my tombstone when I’m dead.
I was obviously tempted to put Balatro because, like, Jokers. But I’m better than that.
Most Likely To Become A Victoria Secret Model
Eve, Stellar Blade
Maybe I’m not better than that.
Life Of The Party
Astro Bot, Astro Bot
Everybody’s favourite robot mascot brings joy and energy wherever he goes. He’s fun. He flies. He kicks around piles of leaves and finds treasure in unexpected places. When he walks into a room, everyone cheers. We love Astro Bot.
Most Likely To Remember Your Birthday
Dragon Age: The Veilguard
Dragon Age: The Veilguard is just so nice. Like, she’s nice to everyone. Nobody’s ever heard a mean thing come out of her mouth. She remembers all these weird things about you, and it’s kind of sweet that she gave you a book on your birthday even though you aren’t really friends.
But she’s not really that interesting, nor does she have much else of a personality. She’s just really, cloyingly inoffensive and sweet.
Most Likely To Make A Great Film
Indika
Indika is cinematic, but not in a The Last of Us kind of way, more like in a Yiorgos Lanthimos kind of way. Lots of fish eye lenses, Dutch angles, shots that border on GoPro footage. It rocks. More games need to get weird with cinematography. More films, too.
Most Likely To Start A Farm
Animal Well
Well, it already has all the animals.
Most Likely To Become A Private Eye
You, The Rise of the Golden Idol
Seriously, if you finish this game without brute forcing your way through puzzles or using hints, you’re way smarter than I am. That might not be saying that much, but still. You might actually be Sherlock, but in the classic way, not the cringe Moffat way.
Most Likely To Stay Single Forever
Clickolding
Seriously, this is a game to scare the maidens with. It’s the personification (gamification?) of being weird and off putting while not actually doing anything overtly wrong. I was very disturbed by it, as was my colleague Andrew King. It’s very well executed. It made me need to take a shower afterwards.
Most Likely To Climb Mount Everest
Luisa, Dungeons of Hinterberg
This girl is really out here dungeoneering in the Austrian Alps. Well, that and making friends. But mostly wandering around. I don’t know how good a climber she is, but I believe in her.
Most Likely To Start A Gossip Site
The Crush House
You’re already making a reality show in The Crush House, and with every reality show comes scandal and gossip. I imagine a spin-off Instagram account in the style of Deuxmoi. Not that I read Deuxmoi or even know what that is, I’m a very serious and highbrow person.
Most Likely To Rob You
Kay Vess, Star Wars Outlaws
This girl will do whatever for credits, man, I swear. An alliance has never heard of her. A secret is not safe around her. Your wallet? It’s already gone. Don’t worry about it, you’ll never be able to pin it on her, so you might as well forget about it now.
Most Likely To Have Secret Powers
Max Caulfield, Life Is Strange: Double Exposure
For someone so intent on keeping her weird powers a secret from the people in her life, Max sure is pretty obvious about using them. When she jumps from timeline to timeline, she doesn’t even bother going into a toilet cubicle to make her move.
She does it in full view of any passers by who might pop out of a room. It’s a university! There are people everywhere, all the time, Max! Use some discretion, I beg you. Everybody already knows about her secret powers, I’m sure. They’re just trying to be polite by not mentioning that they saw her disappear into a void.
Most Likely To Be Late
Infinity Nikki
Girl, the year’s nearly over, hurry up and get here already. We’re going to afters without you.
