GTA 5 Michael’s Best Quotes, Ranked

Key Takeaways

• Michael De Santa is a unique and memorable character in GTA 5, known for his calmness and witty remarks in various situations.
• Michael’s exhaustion with his criminal lifestyle is evident through his sarcastic and cynical comments towards his associates.
• Despite returning to crime, Michael’s priorities lie in surviving and avoiding danger, showcasing his mentorship towards Franklin.

Grand Theft Auto 5 is one of the more infamous games released this century, and while there are three legendary, memorable protagonists in the game, Michael De Santa is one who is known for his ability to talk his way out of situations. Often proving to be the calm voice of the group who seeks to avoid violence, Michael chose to run from his life of crime once before.

While Franklin is young and inexperienced, and has much to learn about the world of high-level crime throughout Grand Theft Auto 5, and Trevor is a wildcard whose quotes are insane and illegible more often than not, Michael has some excellent moments with words over the course of the game that have become highly memorable.

Updated on November 25, 2024, by Chris Harkin: Though Grand Theft Auto 6 still isn’t quite here, that is no problem for the Grand Theft Auto franchise. Fans are still constantly revisiting GTA 5, as well as the online and roleplaying servers that have given the game so much longevity. Michael is a fantastic character, unlike anything in the history of this franchise. His reclusive life and exasperation with criminal activity make him a unique and charming presence. He was also vocal throughout the game, and thus fans are constantly finding more great moments and quotes from Michael that live in video game infamy.

9 “I Hear Stockholm Syndrome Is Nice This Time Of Year”

Shows Michael Is The Same In Every Situation

• Said To Trevor
• Said After Trevor Steals A Woman

Michael often wanders into horrific, twisted, or just plain weird situations. The world of Grand Theft Auto games, and in particular the version of Los Santos portrayed in Grand Theft Auto 5, is a whimsically insane place to live. Michael, on one occasion, walks into Trevor making nice with Patricia after kidnapping her.

Being a fairly willing hostage after bonding with Trevor, Michael can’t quite believe his eyes and delivers one of his best lines in the game when he comments on the burgeoning relationship between the two by trying to remind Patricia that she is here unwillingly.

8 “You… Are A Hipster!”

Shows Michael Is Amusing Even When Angry

• Said To Trevor
• Said During One Of Many Arguments

Michael and Trevor never really see eye-to-eye in Grand Theft Auto 5. Their past association ended so badly that Trevor actually wants to murder Michael when he first discovers that his former friend still lives. But even after they somewhat reconcile, they can’t get over how the other man has changed in life.

Michael’s problem comes with constantly thinking Trevor is a hipster now, living out in the country far off the map and refusing to take part in society. One conversation, during a high-speed car chase, where Michael initially questions Trevor’s place in society is a particularly hilarious interaction and fits the whole idea of GTA surrealism at its finest.

7 “Surviving Is Winning, Franklin, Everything Else Is Bullsh*t”

Shows Where Michael’s Priorities Really Lie

• Said To Franklin
• Said In A Teaching Moment

Michael is the much better of the two seasoned criminals at providing a mentor in that world to young Franklin throughout GTA 5. While his cynicism is to an extreme level about pretty much everything, it no more comes across than when he reminds Franklin that the glamorous world of crime is all about just trying not to get killed.

Having had a cozy life with his family for years and finding himself completely exhausted from everything in life, Michael no longer feels like the materialism that led him to crime initially matters at all. He seems to come back to that life in Grand Theft Auto 5 for the thrill of it. That, again, makes this line make sense in the context of the game.

6 “Sarcasm Is All I’ve F*cking Got”

Shows Michael Is Exhausted With His Life

• Said To Trevor
• Said After A Rant About His Life

Michael is filled with sarcastic quips, too many to mention all the amazing ones he comes out with over the course of Grand Theft Auto 5. However, his self-aware moment when his sarcastic ways are questioned is one of his very best. Coming in another scene where Michael and Trevor question each other, Trevor is saying that Michael used to be great and stood for something, but is now just a shell.

Michael, in turn, says that he was always like this and that Trevor thinks he’s morally justified in being cruel. When their FIB contacts interrupt their argument to tell them they need to buy two million dollars worth of gear for their next job, Michael goes on a rant about how he was just happily retired and now is completely broke so sarcasm is all he’s got.

5 “You Forget A Thousand Things Every Day”

Shows The Seasoned But Reasonable Criminal

• Said To A Security Guard
• Said In The Prologue, Years Earlier

In one of the opening lines of Grand Theft Auto 5, Michael says this to a security guard in the prologue heist. Not only is it a hugely important line in the context of the game, but ironically also a particularly memorable one that fans associate with Michael as a character.

Saying to the guard that this should “make sure this is one of them” was a chilling way of reminding the guard that he didn’t really have any options here. Michael proved immediately the prime difference between himself and characters like Trevor, who would have been all too willing to kill the guard in this situation.

4 “Please Don’t Make Me Ruin All The Great Work Your Plastic Surgeons Have Been Doing”

Shows Michael’s Exhaustion With The Fake Los Santos Lifestyle

• Said To A Random Bystander
• Said During Another Robbery

Michael, during another robbery, shows off both his cynical side and his penchant to commit violence when it is made necessary. This, similar to the way he acted with the security guard, is a reminder that Michael doesn’t like to kill, whereas another criminal might have murdered one person to prove how serious he was.

Standing up and making sure everybody feels threatened enough not to challenge him is a reminder of how intelligent Michael is. He knows he can scare them without violence, the mere threat of it being enough to stop most people. He also shows how much he loathes the society he has become a part of in his retirement.

3 “It’s Called Capitalism”

Michael’s Cynicism Comes To The Forefront

• Said To Franklin
• Said As Michael Returns To Crime

Another instance where Michael lectures Franklin about the world is when he reminds Franklin that he could “Go to College. Then You Can Rip People Off And Get Paid For It,” this is another great moment that deals both with Michael’s cynical, seasoned view of the world and his understanding of where the worst crimes take place.

Despite delving back into the criminal world, Michael knows that they aren’t committing the worst crimes out there. Michael is a typical cynic, who accepts the world is a terrible place and refuses to do anything but complain about it and engage in antisocial behavior as a result, but at least he gave it a go at trying to get Franklin to go to school instead of robbing people.

2 “You’ll Swear I’m An Angel”

Shows Michael’s Fear Of Trevor

• Said To Franklin
• Said Before Trevor Is Introduced

Although there aren’t many moments where Michael says something sincere in Grand Theft Auto 5, his fear of Trevor’s retribution does bring one out early on. After admitting to Franklin that he is working for the Feds, Michael attempts to impose on Franklin how serious a danger Trevor can be by insisting that, though he’s done a lot of bad stuff, he’s an angel compared to Trevor.

This is proven correct when Trevor enters the picture, as an absolute lunatic who frequently goes on murder sprees and is capable of doing more damage than small armies. Michael’s fear of Trevor’s retribution defines his actions for the first half of GTA 5, as he fully expects to be murdered if ever found by his former associate.

1 “Look You Wake Up One Day And Your Legs… They Just Give”

A Moment Of Clarity Into Michael’s Mind

• Said To Franklin
• Said About His Former Life

Although there are very few moments when Michael seems to care about or even like his family in GTA 5, one comes when he talks about escaping his former life at any cost. Speaking about his young family and the fear he had for them, the new start he dreamed of for them, he tells Franklin he can’t understand yet what it was like.

Then he says that after running for so long from danger, he wanted a chance to truly escape it because his legs had finally given out, leaving him unable to run anymore. This moment in Michael’s mind is invaluable to understanding why he betrayed his former friends and why his life has taken the direction it has, proving family really is hugely important to him.