Is there any feeling worse than being made fun of for making a mistake in a video game? A friend watching over your shoulder poking fun at your misclicks or bad intuition can be infuriating. Perhaps the only thing worse is when the game itself gets in on it. Oblivion starts with a fellow prisoner mocking your choice of race, missing a duck in Duck Hunt has that smug little dog laughing at you, and just try and stop yourself getting heated when Atilla the Hun declares war on you in Civilization 5 in the most obnoxious way.
That’s as bad as it can possibly get, right? That’s what I thought until the Dragon Quest 3 HD-2D Remake got Steam itself in on the joke. Picture the scene. I was minding my own business, exploring the town of Asham, a lovely, quaint desert settlement home to a spa and a troupe of talented dancers. I’m warned by the locals that the merchants here will want to haggle. A challenge, I think. I enter the weapon shop, needing some upgrades for my loyal friends and warriors.
I’m no stranger to this trope. The haggling merchant who you need to play with, denying his offers until you barter him low enough to snag a decent deal. He sells Edged Boomerangs. Boomerangs are fantastic weapons in Dragon Quest 3, attacking the entire pack of enemies in one go – in a game as stuffed-to-the-gills with random encounters as this one, boomerangs are a saviour of time and patience and sanity.
He offers me the Edged Boomerang for 14,400 gold coins. I say no, obviously. Pish posh. Absolutely not. The merchant lays the praise on thick, calling me a hard-nosed negotiator, bowing before my unrivalled bargaining prowess. He lowers the price by half, down to 7,200 gold coins. Sorry, my guy, it’s a no. He then takes the guilt trip approach, warning me that I’d be putting him out of business, taking bread from the mouths of his children. 3,600 was as low as he’d go.
That seemed like a decent deal for me. Weapons aren’t cheap in this game, and boomerangs were crucial to my strategy for dealing with the oodles of random battles. I clicked yes and let that be the end of the struggle. Reader, I was satisfied that I had clinched a good deal. Surely, that was the end of the road.
Moments later, an achievement pop-up flashes onscreen, bluntly letting me know of my foolishness. I didn’t barter low enough; there was still a ‘no’ left unselected. I paid 3,600 gold coins for a weapon that should have cost half that amount. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not exactly the end of the world, but it still stings. However, this moment sticks out for a different reason.
I’ve never known Steam to be such a tattle-tail. My failure at the shop counter is now immortalised within my Steam profile, the scam being demarcated to the very second. A flurry of frustration turned into actual laughter as the ridiculousness of the situation washed over me. I was having my failure highlighted, pointed out, and laughed at by whichever dev concocted this sadistic achievement. It’s ludicrous, and is even a legitimately clever way to make a moment memorable by tying in an external stimulus.
It makes me imagine the sh*t-eating grin of whoever brainstormed the idea. In my head, they’re sitting around a long boardroom table with a chalkboard of Player Torture Ideas, which would naturally include instant-death mook attacks and the dreaded cursed pyramid puzzle. Well, bravo to you, whoever you are. You made me feel rage and unbridled joy in equal measure, turning an innocuous achievement into a storytelling moment.
… three times. You have to say no three times before you get the best offer. Trust me on this, I know from experience.
Dragon Quest 3 HD-2D Remake is the long-promised return of the iconic third installment in the Dragon Quest series. The game that takes place first chronologically, hence it getting the remake treatment before the two games that came before it in terms of release.
- Released
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November 14, 2024