It’s summer and the mosquitos are biting you everywhere. I know that you are hating it. You wouldn’t have clicked on this link if you were enjoying the pain.
It’s time we did something about it. Here are the top ways to bite a mosquito back! It’s time for humanity to fight back against this scratchy terrorism. Whether you’re a gamer or just a regular member of the world, this is a common problem that plagues us all! And it’s time to stand up and take a stance!
So sip your stupid Starbucks coffee (read my opinion on Starbucks over here) and try to enjoy this important article. Or don’t enjoy… I don’t care!
How to Bite a Mosquito Back?
The mosquito mouth trap is the most effective way to bite a mosquito back. I put it first on this list because it is my #1 top recommendation.
There are a few steps. Please take note:
- Take a needle and poke your finger (or anywhere else that bleeds)
- Drip some of your blood into a cup
- Put the cup in your mouth
- Stand outside and wait for a mosquito to go inside the cup
- Bite down on the cup when the mosquito lands inside
- BANG – The mosquito is bitten! Good work!
This is an incredible trick. It’s easy. There’s no overhead cost – aside from the price of a cup and the subsequent medical bills.
I find that its best to leave the mosquito in the cup if you want to bite another mosquito. The mosquitos will think that they’re part of a viral trend.
Discipline the Mosquitoes
A trick that I have found very effective is the Mosquito Disciplining System (affectionately known as MDS). It works the same as a normal educational disciplining system, but it’s just better – and it involves a mosquito.
It requires you to buy a mosquito toy from Amazon (or anywhere else) and then run with it around your yard as you bite the toy mosquito on its face (or anywhere else) repeatedly. This will show the mosquitos what will happen to them if they don’t go away.
The harder you bite the toy mosquito, the better this technique will work. You get a better result if you scream and shout as you run.
The mosquitos won’t understand what is going on at first, but after a while, they will start to realize.
It is quite a genius technique overall. I wanted to get a patent for this idea, but some old lady called me a “delusional moron” and kicked me out of the Patenting Office. I could swear that I saw a mosquito bite on her forehead. She’s probably just jealous that I thought of this idea first.
Well, the joke is on her, I put a sign outside her office telling all the mosquitoes to attack her!
Please note that if this technique doesn’t work, I’d revert to the other techniques… But I can’t imagine the mosquitos ignoring the discipline lesson of MDS.
Get Bit and then Bite Back
I feel that this illustrative title and picture have already described the whole scenario, but I will explain a little bit more for the benefit of my stupid readers.
Sit inside the house and stick your arm out of the window. And wait.
As soon as a mosquito comes nearby, begin to prepare your jaws. I find that jaw exercises work very well for this. As soon as the mosquito bites you, bend over and bite it back.
This may take a while to get good at. Don’t expect to be able to bite the mosquito on the first few tries.
Critical Note: Due to the UN’s Rules Of Engagement, you will have to wait for the mosquito to bite you before you bite back. DO NOT engage with the mosquito until you feel actual pain from the initial bite of the mosquito. You do not want to be known as an “aggressor”.
Mosquito Camouflage Technique
I like this technique – and even though I’m sure that it will work just fine – I have to admit that I have personally never tried it before!
But it should work. The math is solid on this one. Everything lines up. I’m pretty certain that it will work!
There are a few steps. Make sure you do them all in the correct order:
- Purchase a mosquito camouflage costume
- Wear the costume
- Do some deep meditations until you feel like a mosquito (very important step)
- Sprinkle some human blood on your belly so that the other mosquitos know that you’re a good biter with some serious biting experience
- Hang out with the other mosquitos
- And then BITE THEM as soon as they put their guard down!
This may take time. Be prepared to spend a few days outside.
It’s best if you have a few friends and family on hand who you can bite. If the mosquitoes see you biting humans, they will take you a lot more seriously.
Play Hard to Get
This is a novel approach and one that I think most psychologists will agree with. I haven’t spoken to any yet, but I can’t imagine that they would disagree with me. If you’re a psychologist please let me know in the comments.
Instead of using an actual object to lull them into a sense of safety, this technique will require you to use mind games to get what you want. Before long, the mosquitoes will be lining up for the privilege of being bitten by you.
Keep reading and I’ll explain.
Start this process by going outdoors and making an announcement to all the mosquitoes. Inform them that you “don’t want to bite them” and that you “don’t even want to be their friend”. Please try and sound genuine. You don’t want the mosquitos to see through your ploy.
At first, the mosquitos will ignore you, but give it a few days of continuous shouting and they will begin to start paying attention.
Soon they will want to become your friend so badly that they will agree to let you bite them.
And BANG you bite them. And then BANG you slam the door in their face. You can even scream that you never wanted to be their friend in the first place.
I’ve tried this. I’m pretty sure that it worked.
Mosquito Products
Now if you came here because you actually want to see products that will help you get rid of mosquitoes, I will help you out. I’m that nice. You’re welcome!
Here are a few products that may work:
Because I make a commission from these Amazon products, I’m hoping that they don’t work and you will be forced to keep buying products. Maybe if you buy a hundred products, I might have enough commission to buy myself a stupid cup of coffee. Thanks for nothing.
Final Thought
Inspiration for this article came from a viral tweet.
tired of these mfs pic.twitter.com/NX6G3I2TMi
— Dick Foo (@DickFooDog) July 16, 2019
If you enjoyed this article, feel free to read my opinion on Starbucks. Read with caution. I’m opinionated…
Or you can just read my article in which I decide which is more important: Real Life or Gaming? Or my Coronavirus Experience.
Or don’t read any of my articles. Honestly, I don’t really need you!
But make sure that you FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! But I still don’t need you!
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